Today showed me that my diagnosis has changed the way we are together. Life here in Canada has meant we were back going out to work, and college, quite the reverse from our time in France when we worked side by side every day. So this morning we worked together stacking our wood delivery, that is preparing us for winter. We now make more of an effort that both of us take the dogs for a walk. We eat at the table to eat together more and more. We both love reading, but now we will stop to talk at any point, prior to this, if we were reading, we didn’t tend to disturb each other.
Jerry has been fine about all this, very positive, and helping me cope with what is ahead of me. But today over our first Sunday lunch of the weekend (this is Saturday), he was looking at the our framed photos of two black cats (brothers) that we had when we were first set up home together. We talked about Ziggy and Spider when we first saw them, Spider climing curtains, and Ziggy drinking the remains of a cup of tea. I could tell he was getting emotional, so I asked if he was ok.. and he said I know I put on a brave front, but all this really frightens me. So of course that upset me, because it allowed me to say how frightened I was too.
The conversation got veered back to the consult with Dr Lawen, who as abrupt as he was, said that it was what it was, it’s there, it’s a tumor, it’s got to come out, end of story.. I can’t make up other bad news for you, you are among the 95% who have the kidney out, and that is the last of it – apart from the regular scans. So that turned things around again to a positive frame of mind.
I find myself putting on a very positive front at work, and everyone says that I am being very brave, and that I will be fine. It is usually when I am in the truck driving on my own, with the radio on, and an old meaningful song comes on, and the tears roll down my face. I get to thinking that I don’t want it to be over yet. And of course next year I will look back at my earlier posts, and think what the heck was I think writing that.
I am thinking of going back to see my GP this week, I think a chat with him will get me back on track. I am finding it hard to concentrate at work, at the same time trying to tie up loose ends, so that my manager knows where I am with things. My job is to getting our site to ISO 9001:2000 registration, and I audit every month to assess where were are getting to that goal. So now I have to prepare one last audit before I leave, which for me will give them a clear picture of where the gaps are, and what they need to work on. So although I know what needs to be done, I find that a whole day will go by, and I really have not achieved anything. My day almost begins when Jerry and I get home, and we take the dogs for their walk together. Discuss the day, and our evening meal. This part feels real, because this is what is important.
We are going to Toronto for Thanksgiving Oct 10-13th to my sister, and for my sister’s sake trying to get enthusiastic about it. Before all this happened, I was very exited about going. All the Candian family together in Toronto. Now I am focused on my op date, and it is 4 weeks away. When I mentioned to my sister that it is still 4 weeks away, she said you have Thanksgiving first, worry about that after. Maybe those were not her exact words, but it felt like my count down was not important. I worry whether I should have not even asked the Dr for this delay.. it would still only be 2 weeks earlier, but you worry about whether that will be the ultimate difference down the road. This really is turning into a doom and gloom post.
To add to that doom and gloom, companies here in Canada to not pay sick pay. You go on Leave of Absence and you get sick pay from the government, which is 55% of your pay for 15 weeks. Jerry has only just started his job, and it is quite low paid, but with him working we thought this would straighten us out financially. Of course now it will be my turn to be barely bringing in any money, and you can’t help worrying.
So there is a lot to think about, and all we can do is be supportive to each other, we have not been together 15 years to let all this beat us.